We can all struggle with setting boundaries in our relationships from time to time.
Setting healthy boundaries is so important in life and crucial to our emotional and physical well-being. They differ from person to person and sometimes depend on the social context; for example, boundaries in school would be different to a night out with friends! Setting boundaries defines our expectations of ourselves and others in different kinds of relationships.
Setting boundaries begins with good self-awareness, knowing our expectations of ourselves and others and what we are and aren’t comfortable with. Healthy boundaries define what is appropriate behaviour in our relationships – behaviour that keeps both parties safe. And setting healthy boundaries is crucial for self-care and positive relationships.
Types of boundaries
- Intellectual – freedom to have your own thoughts, values and opinions
- Emotional – how much emotional support you can give to others
- Financial – lending or giving money
- Conversational – topics you do not feel comfortable talking about
- Physical – personal space and physical behaviour
- Time – how much time you have to give to someone or something.
Setting boundaries isn’t always easy and can be uncomfortable at times. However, not doing so can mean settling for unhealthy relationships that can cause resentment, manipulation, and abuse. Setting boundaries begins with a healthy relationship with ourselves – once we have this, setting boundaries becomes much easier.
Our top tips for setting boundaries
- Begin by having the conversation – establish boundaries and talk about them with the other person. Talk about your expectations in a relationship and make sure your boundaries align. Talk about consent and revisit this often.
- Listen to yourself – your gut instincts are so important. If your gut is telling you something isn’t quite right, listen to it; it’s rarely wrong.
- Assess your boundaries – work out what your boundaries are. Your values and priorities will determine these and might differ for different relationships and situations.
- Be assertive – assertiveness involves expressing our feelings openly and respectfully. Asserting our needs and feelings is an important form of self-care. Be clear and direct when asserting yourself, while keeping your voice and demeanour calm.
- Practice saying no – saying no can be hard but is necessary at times for our physical and emotional well-being. Saying no is especially important if we don’t feel comfortable or safe. Practice saying no clearly; it gets easier with time!
- Be true to yourself – stay true to your personal values, opinions and beliefs. Sometimes, we may not agree with someone else’s point of view, but that’s okay! We can respect other points of view without agreeing with them.
- Stop being a people pleaser – we can all be guilty of this. It is human nature to want to be liked and to please others. This is fine up until a certain point, and that point is where it starts to impact negatively on your health and well-being.
- Practice new ways – it can be hard to change your ways, and setting boundaries can be uncomfortable at the start. Start small and gradually establish your boundaries. People will soon begin to realise and respect these.
- Safe small steps – We all struggle with setting boundaries from time to time; this is normal. Realising we need to put boundaries in place is the first step.
- Keep up your own activities – keep doing the things that interest you outside of the relationship and spending time with your other relationships, such as friends.
Our 5-step plan for setting boundaries
STEP 1 – Define
Work out what boundaries are important to you.
STEP 2 – Communicate
Say what you need and make sure this is understood.
STEP 3 – Keep it simple
Be clear, use simple language and ensure this is understood.
STEP 4 – Explain
Why is this important to you? What does it mean to you?
STEP 5 – Monitor
Did it work? What can you do differently next time?
